News Flash 3113

The long sought after “argument for secularism” has finally been discovered in of all places under 500 feet of ash in the dank back corner shelf of a buried “thrift store” in the former U.S.A. According to historians who have authenticated the artifact, it is an old dusty book with the words “HOLY BIBLE” embossed in faded gold-colored paint on a dried cracking faux leather cover.

According to experts, the book’s contents seem to be written in a very crude and unintelligible form of ancient English and lends several different interpretations of practically every passage.

“We found the book that we expected would lead us to more insights of how the world became secular some 1000 years ago, just after the Near Mass Extinction event. But upon reading it, we were shocked to the point of stupification upon realizing that the story is a barbaric children’s book” said the head of antiquities. “Secularism must be based upon the wholesale rejection of this horrifying collection of children’s stories. We expected to find a long sought after list of ancient scientific discoveries or maybe at the very least something enlightening about humanitarianism.”

It was also reported that the book does contain one redeeming quality which is the story of a man named “Jesus.” But apparently this character was so disfigured by fantastical absurdity that his otherwise powerfully positive messages were all but drowned in the idiocy.

Of much greater importance and also quite shocking and unexpected is what amounts to a “handbook on mass extinction” hidden within the pages of this jumbled collection of children’s stories. For security reasons and to be sure we never repeat this history again, this portion of the book will be displayed in the NME Museum with full explanation. Although we are not sure if children did play a role in carrying out the book’s mission, we can never be too safe. The contents of the book and the exhibit are therefore classified as dangerous fiction.

The Professor of Philosophy at the 7th Sector University of the Humanities added “if there’s one thing we’ve learned from this discovery, it is that we have come a long way as a race and that there is a great deal to be learned from our barbaric past. We had never considered that children might be exposed to such violence pre NME. Although this does give us some extraordinary insights as to the social ills that led up to the NME. Hopefully we’ve learned enough from this to never have to repeat that shameful period of history again.”

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