When I think about this questions I am forced to think about the many defining characteristics of god. Two very interesting points come to mind; 1 omnibenevolence (ultimate universal indiscriminate love, compassion and mercy) and 2 omniscience (Knowing everything that could possibly be known past present and future from every point of view from every point of context and in every situation)
The absolute conclusion from this leads me to believe that if in fact I am wrong and this sort of being exists, It knows me, intimately, more so than I know myself, more so than anyone knows me. God, by these two defining characteristics knows me so utterly well that it understands who I am, where I am coming from and what drives my reasoning and logic to stand where I am instead of where Christians stand. It is not a mystery to this being, god is not up in heaven or the alter-verse racking its consciousness of why Shane Jones or any other atheist cannot seem to believe in god. This god would be intimately aware of the cause and history of what drives me to remain skeptical. This being would be aware of every single facet and aspect of what attributes to my personality, my thought process, my understanding of reality and what makes up my life. God would impeccably understand that I am a product of my experiences of life.
This god, would be aware of the difficulties I have with the actions and teachings of christians that are somehow supposed to be representative of god. It would know how I see Christianity incompatible by action as it is by the claims of doing good and being a force of good in the world. It would know and understand how I see the observable world and why these things discourage blind faith to me. This god would be completely understanding to my reading and interpretation of the many many many bible verses that are not only incompatible with a loving and just god, but with comparing them to each other are paradoxical. God would see exactly how and why the absurdities in the bible place a contradiction in my mind to an all knowing, all loving and just god who somehow inspired a book of such disturbing, digusting, lamenting, vicious, vindictive, insidious vengeful behavior and rules.
If I am found standing before god, I would also find myself shocked beyond comprehension. There is not enough words to describe how utterly flabbergasted I would be to find myself standing before god and shown with certainty that it did exist, (the christian god specifically). My first thought would be; When and where did my reasoning go awry? I would plead to discover the truth regardless of my intended direction (up or down) I would want to know what flaw in my logic was I employing and why I could not let it go. I would give anything to know the truth of my own condition, and this god would know how seriously I take truth. It would be fully aware that I didn’t believe anything to be true simply because I wanted it to be, or that I was clinging to some blind idea that my belief was beneficial just to assume it is true. Likewise, I never doubt any claims to be untrue just because I don’t like them or don’t want them to be true.
I take comfort in knowing that the being in charge of evaluating me, knows me so well that I won’t have to make excuses for myself. This being’s knowledge would allow me to feel represented perfectly. I won’t be pleading anything I won’t be trying to prove that my intentions were good and pure, I won’t have to say anything unnecessary for this being to just know what it is that went on with me in my life. Everything in my life is already known to this god. It would understand that I don’t discard god out of rebellion or spite, I don’t disbelieve in god just because I want to live a sinful life. Even if christians don’t understand this, this being would. This being would know that I had prefered there be a just and loving god and that I would have had no problems obeying the commandments of this god all along. God would see that I simply found too many problems inherent in the concept here on our earth in our existence, by the representation of Christianity through fundamental christian behavior and the indifference of moderate and liberal christians inability to stand up and object to religious atrocities.
This god would know without reservation that I hold cognitive faculties that do not allow me to choose what I am and what I am not convinced to be true about reality. This god knows that my disbelief is a involuntary action to what I perceive to be a complete absence of evidence for god’s existence. Your god would know that I see it as insufficient and even unethical to declare belief simply because I fear repercussions of punishment or I that I might selfishly seek infinite reward.
When I consider the natural order of knowledge of this being and combine it with the natural order of the compassion of this being. It is, well, arduous for me to imagine that this being wouldn’t be, somehow, please of my ethics based upon the intellect in which it endowed upon me. And this is all even if I am wrong. I find difficulty imagining that this god of yours would somehow be offended by the way I have lived, by the choices I have made. I find absurdity in anyone claiming that I am an evil among the earth with my indiscriminate compassion, my ethics based on compromising my desires to support the needs of others, my tendency to look at things objectively and give people the benefit of the doubt and always offer help where I see help is needed. It’s painfully amuzing to think that someone finds merit in judging me at all with their limited knowledge really.
Am I supposed to think that I have offended a infinitely compassionate god enough to be sentenced to unbearable unending fear and torture for eternity? Hell is not a form of correction or education or redemption, it is never ending infinite torture and there is nothing constructive about it. It is not representative of compassion it is representative of vengeance. Now according to the bible and most Christians. I have to believe in god, or I have to accept Jesus as my lord and savior, or I have to be baptized, or I have to do work spreading the word, or I have to repent. Well then, if they believe in Hell, Hell is exactly where I am headed according to these beliefs regardless of the life I lead, the choices I make, or the intentions I have, because I do not pose support for any of these. If I don’t at least think that their beliefs warrant enough credibility to support them, then I’m going to be burned forever and ever till the end of time.
It sucks that I am hell bound even though rapists, murderers, child molesters, thieves, mental abusers and physical abusers are welcomed into heaven with open arms as long as they accept one or any combination of those conditional beliefs before their demise. However, if this is the case, this is the representation of your god? Then with a heavy heart I accept my hell begotten fate.
I just cannot fathom how I would understand or handle, spending an eternity along side of a being, who’s idea of compassion and fairness, makes my fucking stomach turn. A being who looks like it’s empathy is irrevocably eclipsed by it’s vanity.
So my answer: If I am wrong and god exists, I’m okay with it, because there isn’t any scenario that doesn’t allow me to remain true to my principles and ethics. Not even god can take that away from me and I am perfectly okay with going down as long as I get to go down swinging.